My phone loads stories while I sleep and many of them are dark. When the alarm goes off, I tap ‘snooze’ a couple of times before finally giving in, then check my notifications, texts, emails, and Insta feed. My blood pressure spikes and remains there before I’m even vertical and dressed. I can taste the adrenaline while I head downstairs and walk through my wife’s studio grumbling, even while she greets me with a warm “good morning.” I don’t always respond warmly and am probably scowling. I hope to make some changes this year — shed certain patterns, have coffee before checking my feed, and implement something different.
Family members, our microwave, our stove, our deck, the north side of our backyard fence, a toilet, a molded plastic handle from the washing machine, our car, our brave dog, a floor lamp, my desktop computer, enormous branches from our silver maple tree, finally the entire tree, and a tooth, are some of the people and things that passed away, broke, disappeared, or have been replaced. It feels like far more than a bunch of coincidences. A friend recently mentioned his theory of ‘clumping’ and thought it might explain why there have been so many things. We haven’t discussed it at length yet but will eventually, because we talk about everything in detail during long Friday lunches. Working through things with him, my wife and daughter, and other close friends in faraway places is proof I’m still connected and part of a tribe.
Information overload piles on more every day, even more losses, and the daily grieving. It’s exhausting, heavy, and discouraging. People are being kidnapped, beaten, gassed, sprayed, humiliated, and murdered in our streets. Taking a break from the signal alerts, self-care, setting things aside, even reading for pleasure feels like denial and guilt sets in, but doom scrolling devours hours, days, and can block good things. Learning to detach without guilt and feeling uninformed if I do take a break is a struggle. It’s a relief when the algorithm shifts and lets in the positive stories. Stories about Aloka and the monks, communities and mutual aid, resisting and marching, one hundred kids riding their bikes to school together, deep space images that reveal nebulas we might have come from, rescued animals, dog bloopers, and architecture blogs, are all half full. Things that remind me it’s not only darkness, but there’s a lot of light and grace out there too. We’re not alone. I’m not alone. Not everything is broken.
Han 한.
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“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world." Fred Rogers
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“Let’s have more discussions while we eat food.” Source Unknown
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Songs :: Heroes by David Bowie, Revolution Blues by Neil Young, For What It’s Worth by Buffalo Springfield, In the Moonlight by Pearl Jam, Let It Burn by Shaboozey, and 24 Preludes, Op. 28, No. 4 in E Minor by Chopin
© C. Davidson